A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

I was once told in my young, teen-ish days that I looked like Princess Leia. I considered the compliment wildly inaccurate. But still, it was nice to hear. Carrie Fisher who was Princess Leia has passed away. But, I’d like to add my voice to the chorus--specifically what she did for girls (and writers) everywhere.

Before Princess Leia, most princess characters were fluffy, frivolous and in desperate need of rescuing. Leia Organa turned that trope on its head. Born into royalty, Leia became a general. And, over the 39 years of Star Wars, Fisher showed those in the industry that a tough little girl who can take care of herself (thank you very much) actually resonated with movie goers worldwide. She became a perennial hero. Also due to talented writers, gritty female protagonists who made the most of their horrible situations were often box office smashes.

I'm sure this archetype inspired the writing of Disney’s movies. Heroines like “Belle” of Beauty & the Beast chose a more noble path than most characters who came before her. Like Princess Leia they chose the better path, resisted when necessary. They put themselves on the line for those they loved. They fought with brains and guts and sometimes weapons. These female characters who took chances and endured the consequences without bawling for a knight in shining armor are the types of characters to whom every girl can relate. 

Besides being an actress and a writer, Carrie Fisher was called in to be a script doctor. These wizards of words were called upon by industry executives to take a screenplay and/or script and polish the piece until the director (and everyone else) is happy. She was rarely credited for any work she did in this regard.

Fisher, was also a mother, as was her character, Leia. Both the woman and the character played a rather hands-off role in the raising of their children--for a variety of reasons. There's no telling if this was a good decision. I won't make excuses for Carrie Fisher, but I know she battled addiction. 

Fisher’s tough princess gives a lot of us non-princesses a role we can aspire to. Not the cleanest, mother of the year, glamour queen, but a real, down-to-earth broad, who admitted her frailties and sins and challenged herself to get better, be better. It’s the least any hero can do.

Relax Mommies, you've got this.

Yay, Fall!

 I heart Halloween…part 2

And of course, it’s time for the great pumpkin! You’ll see the pumpkins being harvested. One of my favorite veggies (a squash by birth), it really is abused. Carved, baked, processed, pureed, tossed smashed, and then after the end of the year--ignored. During Halloween, the pumpkin is called Jack o’ Lantern. The alternate name change also changes its persona. Once a fat little squash it suddenly becomes mean and nefarious. Horrible faces gleam from its surface and inside its gleam seems unworldly. I prefer an intact squash whose color is warm and bright and reminiscent of an autumn sunset.

I love the softness of Halloween. The warm, worn memories. The feast and festivals were never meant to be scary or edgy. The living commemorated the dead, they had a comfort with death. They did not run in terror of the knife-wielding, zombies who sort of resembled their loved-ones. It was a time to remember those who went before you and to remember them fondly, not of hauntings and “boos” but, laughter and a few tears. Good times.

Leave Halloween alone. Keep your gore and screams. I’ll take the leaves and the warmth and the memories of my loved ones.

School for kids, work for mom

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Dear Mommies,

It's that time of year when the kids go back to school. It can be pretty stressful before the school year even starts. The kids need the nicest backpack, the cutest shoes, the sweetest iPad cover. And can we talk about the drama of buying jeans?

As moms, we are always going to make our kids look good. And do good. We want them to excel. We’re going to give them the encouragement, resources and opportunities to shine. We then blend into the background while our little ones take flight. Rarely do we mothers push themselves forward. Pushy show moms, aside--we don't take center stage.

We’re happy to stay in the shadows with our yoga pants and messy pony tails. We don't want our pictures in the school yearbook. We'd prefer to hide. But maybe this is the year, we should be recognized. Just a little bit, other than the obligatory thanks from teachers and staff. Maybe this year we should dress as nice as our kids for the first day of school.

A very wise man once questioned the purpose of high school graduation parties. He asked why, a child who just turned into an adult without trying, is rewarded with a party? This celebration comes after 4 years of the child doing something that’s just barely considered work. The party, this man argued, should be for the parents.

As mommies we have a tendency to underestimate the amount of work it takes to raise a good child. (It’s easy to raise the bad ones—you just ignore them).

Recently, a salary data service estimated that moms should be paid $65K a year (more, if you have more than two children) to compensate us for what we do. It’s not just bottle and diapers. It’s work. Waking them up. Putting them down for naps. Feeding them, teaching them to feed themselves. Dressing them and trying to teach them to dress themselves. Coaching them through the walking and talking phase. Taking care of boo-boo's. Getting them to doctor appointments, soccer practice, piano lessons, and parties.

You should be proud of the work you do. Because you do more in one day than many people do in a week. So when anyone who asks if you have a “real” job, always respond: Yes, I’m raising children.

Relax mommies, you’ve got this!

Parenting: Never Risk-free

Each Day of Your Life is Precious

Lately, I've shut off the news—it’s usually depressing and frustrating. And if you’re chasing or carting your little ones from place to place, who has time to sit and watch violence, erratic world markets and bratty starlet meltdowns? And who wants to? When we travel, happy music fills our vehicle, not breaking news from CNN.

I broke my fast from news to follow a tragic story about a dad and his kids who drowned off the coast of Florida while sailing along the coast. Usually I blog about happy things and silver linings. But I am taking a few moments here to remind you that life is fragile.

This father had no idea that a routine jaunt from one Florida harbor to the next would be his last. The children didn’t know. No one knew. They expected smooth sailing.

I don’t think we truly realize how much power we have over our children. Their safety is often based on what we do (or don’t do) as parents. Even the tiniest decision can have a lasting effect on a child. I read a blog (http://nicolemcaruso.com/motherhood/bernadette-dalgetty) and when speaking of her dressed-down attire of old yoga pants and messy bun, one mom said: “I realized I have the power to embarrass my children.” The little things make a difference. I'm now more conscious of how I look when I’m in public with the kids.

I’m sure there were a million things that this father could have done to save his children. But like so many parents, myself included, he just assumed things would go without incident. I’m equally sure he will be posthumously criticized for his lack of parenting. In his defense: Parents are only human and can't foresee all dangers. Who knows when a truck will hit your minivan, a virus blaze through your family, a tornado tear up your neighborhood, floods, fires or any manner of disaster? Devastation doesn’t wait for parents to be fully prepared.

All parents should love and respect their roles as mommies and daddies—you are so critical to a child's life. Your safety, health and happiness are directly related to theirs. By the same token, you want your child to take risks, leave the nest and not be afraid of their own shadow. To be cautious and be encouraging is delicate balance for parents. But you can do it.

Hug your babies every day. Kiss them and tell them they are so precious, whether it be calm seas or stormy weather.

The Value of Presence

The BBC's Crimson Field

Dear Mommies,

After Downton Abbey, I didn’t think anything would replace my need for engrossing, well-written mini-series. 

Then I discovered The Crimson Field. Released in 2014, the drama centers around nurses, doctors and Royal Medical Army staff at a hospital camp (think MASH + post-Victorian England) during World War I in northern France. Just the first episode was gripping and horrifying, flecked with oddly humorous moments.

But while most reviewers discussed the BBC’s celebration of the anniversary of WWI or the pitfalls of the script and story threads or the history (or lack of) or the acting (or lack of), all I could think of was nurses.

Years ago, I worked in a trauma unit at a hospital. This series brought me back to those days.  When I saw the best and worst of human behavior. I saw people in agony, dying, crushed—literally and figuratively.

It doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have or the color of your skin— everyone feels pain. Everyone suffers. And no matter who you are or where you come from, you can help by just ... caring.

Some other things I recalled:

I learned the difference between a good  nurse and a nurse who simply worked for a pension. And a charge nurse has to be everything to everyone, all at once.

I learned the value of listening and offering sympathy. And just because you have a medical degree, doesn't mean you will listen or offer sympathy.

I learned how precious the first few breaths of life are and how precious the last few breaths are. We should not be born or die alone.

I learned the importance of a well-made bed. It was a safety--not aesthetic--issue in the hospital.

Most of all, I learned the value of presence. Being beside someone during a difficult time is something that can never be quantified. And that's what I remembered the nurses and the nursing aides did. There were times they did nothing more than stand beside a person's bed or touched their hands -- and that was enough.

You don't need to be super mom, just be there.

Relax mommies, you've got this.

First, dream your dreams . . .

 Dream a little dream.

Dear Mommies,

So much to look forward to this year. I’m sure you're looking forward to your children’s milestones, birthdays, first words, first steps, school step up days and lots of other “Firsts.”

But what about you? I’m not talking about resolutions, which are in Mary Poppins words, “pie crust promises: easily made, easily broken.” The problem with resolutions is that they tend to focus on the negative—things we want to fix in our lives (e.g., lose weight). Or they are too ambiguous (e.g., I will be kinder to my mother-in-law).

I’m talking about your dreams.

Will this be the year you take up a cooking class, learn to speak French, travel to Seattle, knit an infinity scarf, decorate your bedroom--bottom to top, buy a big ticket item (not replacing something that’s broken), or start your own blog?

Dreams are different from resolutions or goals because dreams are held in our heart. They touch on our deepest desires. Fulfilling your dreams—big and small—requires planning and work. And sometimes saving your pennies.

Making your dreams is as hard as being a mommy. Here’s why:

1.    Nothing in a mommy’s life remains still for very long. Time is an friend and a foe. You want your babies to stay little and sweet. But gosh, won’t it be great when they’re out of diapers? Enjoy the journey to your dream. You can start a dream journal.

2.    In the process of making your dreams come true, you see them in the light of day. The flaws, the faults, the warts. You do your best to correct them. But sometimes the dream turns downright ugly. Give it a time out and then come back to it. You’ll both benefit from a breather. And you can always modify a dream.

3.    There are doubts and side effects. Once you begin to fulfil a dream, it’s hard to tell where it will lead and what the impact will be on your life. This is a little scary. But your litmus test question should be: Will my dream make me a better person? If yes, go for it. Even if it’s something as intangible as just being a happier person because you travelled to your dream destination.

No matter what, dreams are worth having and following. You should also teach your children to have some dreams. A child who dreams is on the path to a brilliant imagination.

Relax, Mommies, you’ve got this.

You Never Know . . . Hug More This Christmas.

Dear Mommies,

Last week a woman passed away at my workplace.

They found her in the ladies’ room. Although her co-workers called EMT immediately, it was too late.

She was dead about 20 minutes after getting in the office door. She wasn’t old or sickly.

I’ll admit, it feels kind of odd to be in the same ladies room stall as she was in her final moments. To know that her last breaths on earth were taken in her place of work. 

I don't think anyone wants to die where they work—unless it’s your business. Even then, we want to be surrounded by those who love us and by those who want to help us die peacefully.

I hate to be morbid, this blog is about encouraging you in your mommyhood journey. But I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens this holiday season—life is too short to stress or feel negative or overwhelmed.

So, promise yourself you’ll shop less and hug more. You’ll bake less and smile more. You’ll tell someone that you love them even when they aren’t acting very lovable. 

Please know in your heart of hearts, your babies would rather you around for them than hand-crafted gifts, cookies or toys.

Relax Mommies, you've got this!

Peace & Quiet

Dear Mommies,

The one thing you need this Christmas, you won’t get.

Sleep.

Oh, I know you’ll try, but I have a feeling that like me, you’ll have a ton of last minute things to do and gifts to wrap and cookies to box, and so on…And sleep will be put on the back burner. You’ll promise yourself that you’ll catch up on sleep after the holidays. You promise yourself lots of naps on the snowy days to come. And you promise you’ll finally feel refreshed when you wake up.

Right.

The problem with that plan is that the holidays merge into the new year. Like a race car. And the craziness doesn’t end. You’ll still have the day to day busy-ness of kids and house and heaven help us, the pets.

My advice (and I promise to take it myself), is to go to bed early. As much as you can. Wake up early if you still have lots to do. But it’s better to go to bed early, than to wake up late. You can’t catch up on sleep by sleeping later in the morning. And it’s impossible to do with toddlers. Because of our bodies’ sleep-wake cycles and hormones we can’t get any of those hours back. The late night feedings, colic and/or fevers that keep our babies restless, take away any sort of rest we may try to bank in our sleep savings account. Add in stress, and it’s an instant recipe for sleep deprivation.

The reason I’m pushing for sleep is that it the lack of it ruins your day, makes you irritable, foggy and forgetful. It should be a vitamin that we can just swallow with water. Like time—we really can’t get any of it back.

So this Christmas, give yourself the gift of sleep. Early to bed—that means before 10:00pm!

Relax mommies, you’ve (yawn) got this!