School for kids, work for mom

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Dear Mommies,

It's that time of year when the kids go back to school. It can be pretty stressful before the school year even starts. The kids need the nicest backpack, the cutest shoes, the sweetest iPad cover. And can we talk about the drama of buying jeans?

As moms, we are always going to make our kids look good. And do good. We want them to excel. We’re going to give them the encouragement, resources and opportunities to shine. We then blend into the background while our little ones take flight. Rarely do we mothers push themselves forward. Pushy show moms, aside--we don't take center stage.

We’re happy to stay in the shadows with our yoga pants and messy pony tails. We don't want our pictures in the school yearbook. We'd prefer to hide. But maybe this is the year, we should be recognized. Just a little bit, other than the obligatory thanks from teachers and staff. Maybe this year we should dress as nice as our kids for the first day of school.

A very wise man once questioned the purpose of high school graduation parties. He asked why, a child who just turned into an adult without trying, is rewarded with a party? This celebration comes after 4 years of the child doing something that’s just barely considered work. The party, this man argued, should be for the parents.

As mommies we have a tendency to underestimate the amount of work it takes to raise a good child. (It’s easy to raise the bad ones—you just ignore them).

Recently, a salary data service estimated that moms should be paid $65K a year (more, if you have more than two children) to compensate us for what we do. It’s not just bottle and diapers. It’s work. Waking them up. Putting them down for naps. Feeding them, teaching them to feed themselves. Dressing them and trying to teach them to dress themselves. Coaching them through the walking and talking phase. Taking care of boo-boo's. Getting them to doctor appointments, soccer practice, piano lessons, and parties.

You should be proud of the work you do. Because you do more in one day than many people do in a week. So when anyone who asks if you have a “real” job, always respond: Yes, I’m raising children.

Relax mommies, you’ve got this!

Everyday Joys

Every little kiss...

Dear Mommies,

I’ve challenged my siblings to find a joy every day. And write it down. (I challenged myself, too) They gave up by day two. “Seriously, you want us to find joy? Have you seen the news?”

I did. And they’re right. It’s almost impossible to find joy when all you see is what’s wrong with the world. The news is 24/7 of death, disease, earthquakes, fires, scandals, and heartache.

I have a need to drown my sorrows. A very clever marketer once told me: "I sell products by doing three things: I tell you that you have a problem. I tell you only my product/service/plan can solve it. And I tell you that you need to get it, now. Through guilt, sorrow and/or fear I can manipulate you, the customer, with this sales strategy."

He’s right, because today I saw a commercial for Peanut M&M’s and I decided I needed them. My problem was disappointment, my solution -- chocolate.

Today was a day of disappointments. Every little thing I wanted (even sunshine) was taken away. The beautiful sunrise was overwhelmed in clouds and rain. At work, I was told I’m wasting my time on project xyz (which I loved). I was denied a generous discount on the running shoes of my dreams (which I loved) and I was uninvited to a particular event (which I would have loved).

Peanut M&M’s made me feel better instantly, but I was still without joy. Happiness seems even further away.

The challenge of finding joy is doubly tough on mommies. On top of all our disappointments, we tend to absorb the disappointments of our munchkins. When they are devastated, we are too. So how do you find joys when the world seems to be hell-bent on taking them from you?

Take a breath, take a step back & take it all in. And then give. Share your Peanut M&M’s. 

And the day got better. I got to see the kiddies after school, I got to talk about writing and what I love about it. I did give (and get) hugs and kisses.

If I keep looking long enough, I will find more joy tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

Relax Mommies, you've got this.

One Great Mommy

Dear Mommies,

I want to reflect on the life of my sister-in-law. We buried her recently—her body, not her spirit. She battled cancer for 22 years. Almost as soon as she graduated from college, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. But it didn’t stop her.

She worked; managing an office. She married her college sweetheart. She adopted two boys. She became involved in school and her neighborhood. She vacationed with her parents nearly every summer at the family shore house. She travelled and celebrated life. Her home was beautiful and welcoming—much like herself.

She endured round after round of chemo. She lost and regrew her hair at least 5 times, that I can recall. She lost the possibility of ever becoming pregnant. Because of the medications she took, her body was plunged into menopause at age 30. She endured hot flashes and night sweats. She had issues with a poorly designed implant, infections in sinuses and teeth and an IV port that nearly caused congestive heart failure. She had tumors in her liver, bone and brain. One year, she spent more time in medical centers and hospitals than she spent at home.

She toughed it out. 

Put cancer on the back burner of her mind. She hosted Thanksgiving dinner and holiday parties with and without hair. And each time it grew back, she became more beautiful. She attended school plays, sporting events and recitals. She attended the weddings and graduations of her nieces, nephews and her one son. She was given the blessings of her delightful, albeit mischievous boys, who kept her on her toes. A husband who was able to manage the demands of his job, his sons and her care. A mother and father who were at the ready to drive her to chemo or just hold her hand from the vomiting to the blistering heartburn. A sister who always managed a sunny, but practical attitude--in life, love and food. Friends and neighbors that always dropped in to find out who needed what—a ride to lacrosse practice, a dozen cupcakes, a snow shovel, a stamp for a letter, a shoulder to cry on.

We didn’t lose her spirit. As her 9-year-old son told his aunt: “I’m sorry you are sad. But my mommy is with me.”

Best words of your life...

NO!

Dear Mommies,

There are words and phrases that you will hear over and over again throughout your life as a mother.

They include (but aren’t limited to):

“I didn’t do it.”

'I don't want to."

"No!"

"Please?"

"Now!"

“But [insert name] has one.”

"I promise to…"

I'll never do it again!"

"I want it!"

 “Will it hurt?”

Your reaction to them should be the same—sighs, smiles and eye rolls. But no matter where you are in the child rearing process: "I love you" never gets old. Use it often.

What are your most heard words?

Relax mommies, you've got this!