Why my kid?

 They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games!

  Aw, who needs 'em anyway...

There will be a time as a mom when you'll see your child getting the short end of the stick.


There are many children who excel in academics, sports, the arts--you name it. But there are just as many who don't. Chances are, your child may be one of the ones not picked for basketball. Your child may be bullied for being bad at sports, mocked for having a lisp, called stupid for failing math; left out of the reindeer games.

It won't feel so good. You'll have to stand by and watch your child not do well in things. It may range from the silly--being laughed at for not coloring in the lines or the serious--being diagnosed with autism.

You may be tempted to protect your child, to remedy the situation. But as painful as these situations are, they are life lessons. It's your chance to teach your child, she may not succeed at everything she tries. But she is still valuable and lovable. Remind her every day how special and irreplaceable she is. It never gets old to be told you're one of a kind. She doesn't need perfect A's in English to be a great kid.

If she's mocked, tell her she doesn't need to retaliate, she can ignore the bullies and move on. Some of the most painful things she may hear can come from peers or teachers or siblings.

An insult may be only temporary but it can last a lifetime. We tend to hang on to hurts. Help her deal with them now before she grows up. Without balance and forgiveness, a hurt child can grow into bitter adult.


Relax mommies, you've got this.

Enjoy the Season

Fall is Here!

Fall is a great time of year—but it can be so tough on a mom.

The summer is over and the kids are back in school. It might be quiet(er) in the house but you’ll still be busy. There’s a ton of school events; meeting the teachers, field trips, concerts, plays and fundraisers. If you’re a home-schooling mom, you’ve got lessons and projects and planning galore.

It also reminds me that my children are getting older, they are going into the next grade and doing “bigger” things with more responsibility and less hovering from me.

Yet, it’s time for the harvest, piles of leaves, canning, hay rides and pumpkins, and the best weather ever—sweater weather. There’s fun sports for the little gals and guys— soccer, cross country running, football and hockey. And then, we’re closing in on the end of another year.

What a rush to get it “over with” --  silly retail stores have Halloween and Christmas decorations side by side. Pick one and enjoy it.

 Halloween cupcakes-taking goodies to a whole new level.

I love Halloween—the quintessential fall festivity! I love everything about it. The costumes and parties and all the activities that bring you outside to enjoy weather that doesn’t involve sunburn. I don’t mind the drama of selecting the right costume. One that’s popular, but not so popular that everyone isn’t trick or treating in the same thing. One that fits and works an keeps them covered and lasts for just a few hours. Until they get home and go into candy comas.

 Fall is so beautiful but so brief. 

Don't you wish Fall were longer? I wish we could just savor the last few days of warm summer-like afternoons and frosty-breath evenings next to a bonfire. Instead, we’re rushed past Thanksgiving with light speed and then smashed into Christmas. Why not just enjoy each season?

I beg you mommies, let this be the year you send a pumpkin to someone. And jump in a pile of leaves. 

Relax Mommies you've got this!

School for kids, work for mom

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Dear Mommies,

It's that time of year when the kids go back to school. It can be pretty stressful before the school year even starts. The kids need the nicest backpack, the cutest shoes, the sweetest iPad cover. And can we talk about the drama of buying jeans?

As moms, we are always going to make our kids look good. And do good. We want them to excel. We’re going to give them the encouragement, resources and opportunities to shine. We then blend into the background while our little ones take flight. Rarely do we mothers push themselves forward. Pushy show moms, aside--we don't take center stage.

We’re happy to stay in the shadows with our yoga pants and messy pony tails. We don't want our pictures in the school yearbook. We'd prefer to hide. But maybe this is the year, we should be recognized. Just a little bit, other than the obligatory thanks from teachers and staff. Maybe this year we should dress as nice as our kids for the first day of school.

A very wise man once questioned the purpose of high school graduation parties. He asked why, a child who just turned into an adult without trying, is rewarded with a party? This celebration comes after 4 years of the child doing something that’s just barely considered work. The party, this man argued, should be for the parents.

As mommies we have a tendency to underestimate the amount of work it takes to raise a good child. (It’s easy to raise the bad ones—you just ignore them).

Recently, a salary data service estimated that moms should be paid $65K a year (more, if you have more than two children) to compensate us for what we do. It’s not just bottle and diapers. It’s work. Waking them up. Putting them down for naps. Feeding them, teaching them to feed themselves. Dressing them and trying to teach them to dress themselves. Coaching them through the walking and talking phase. Taking care of boo-boo's. Getting them to doctor appointments, soccer practice, piano lessons, and parties.

You should be proud of the work you do. Because you do more in one day than many people do in a week. So when anyone who asks if you have a “real” job, always respond: Yes, I’m raising children.

Relax mommies, you’ve got this!

First, dream your dreams . . .

 Dream a little dream.

Dear Mommies,

So much to look forward to this year. I’m sure you're looking forward to your children’s milestones, birthdays, first words, first steps, school step up days and lots of other “Firsts.”

But what about you? I’m not talking about resolutions, which are in Mary Poppins words, “pie crust promises: easily made, easily broken.” The problem with resolutions is that they tend to focus on the negative—things we want to fix in our lives (e.g., lose weight). Or they are too ambiguous (e.g., I will be kinder to my mother-in-law).

I’m talking about your dreams.

Will this be the year you take up a cooking class, learn to speak French, travel to Seattle, knit an infinity scarf, decorate your bedroom--bottom to top, buy a big ticket item (not replacing something that’s broken), or start your own blog?

Dreams are different from resolutions or goals because dreams are held in our heart. They touch on our deepest desires. Fulfilling your dreams—big and small—requires planning and work. And sometimes saving your pennies.

Making your dreams is as hard as being a mommy. Here’s why:

1.    Nothing in a mommy’s life remains still for very long. Time is an friend and a foe. You want your babies to stay little and sweet. But gosh, won’t it be great when they’re out of diapers? Enjoy the journey to your dream. You can start a dream journal.

2.    In the process of making your dreams come true, you see them in the light of day. The flaws, the faults, the warts. You do your best to correct them. But sometimes the dream turns downright ugly. Give it a time out and then come back to it. You’ll both benefit from a breather. And you can always modify a dream.

3.    There are doubts and side effects. Once you begin to fulfil a dream, it’s hard to tell where it will lead and what the impact will be on your life. This is a little scary. But your litmus test question should be: Will my dream make me a better person? If yes, go for it. Even if it’s something as intangible as just being a happier person because you travelled to your dream destination.

No matter what, dreams are worth having and following. You should also teach your children to have some dreams. A child who dreams is on the path to a brilliant imagination.

Relax, Mommies, you’ve got this.

You Never Know . . . Hug More This Christmas.

Dear Mommies,

Last week a woman passed away at my workplace.

They found her in the ladies’ room. Although her co-workers called EMT immediately, it was too late.

She was dead about 20 minutes after getting in the office door. She wasn’t old or sickly.

I’ll admit, it feels kind of odd to be in the same ladies room stall as she was in her final moments. To know that her last breaths on earth were taken in her place of work. 

I don't think anyone wants to die where they work—unless it’s your business. Even then, we want to be surrounded by those who love us and by those who want to help us die peacefully.

I hate to be morbid, this blog is about encouraging you in your mommyhood journey. But I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens this holiday season—life is too short to stress or feel negative or overwhelmed.

So, promise yourself you’ll shop less and hug more. You’ll bake less and smile more. You’ll tell someone that you love them even when they aren’t acting very lovable. 

Please know in your heart of hearts, your babies would rather you around for them than hand-crafted gifts, cookies or toys.

Relax Mommies, you've got this!

Peace & Quiet

Dear Mommies,

The one thing you need this Christmas, you won’t get.

Sleep.

Oh, I know you’ll try, but I have a feeling that like me, you’ll have a ton of last minute things to do and gifts to wrap and cookies to box, and so on…And sleep will be put on the back burner. You’ll promise yourself that you’ll catch up on sleep after the holidays. You promise yourself lots of naps on the snowy days to come. And you promise you’ll finally feel refreshed when you wake up.

Right.

The problem with that plan is that the holidays merge into the new year. Like a race car. And the craziness doesn’t end. You’ll still have the day to day busy-ness of kids and house and heaven help us, the pets.

My advice (and I promise to take it myself), is to go to bed early. As much as you can. Wake up early if you still have lots to do. But it’s better to go to bed early, than to wake up late. You can’t catch up on sleep by sleeping later in the morning. And it’s impossible to do with toddlers. Because of our bodies’ sleep-wake cycles and hormones we can’t get any of those hours back. The late night feedings, colic and/or fevers that keep our babies restless, take away any sort of rest we may try to bank in our sleep savings account. Add in stress, and it’s an instant recipe for sleep deprivation.

The reason I’m pushing for sleep is that it the lack of it ruins your day, makes you irritable, foggy and forgetful. It should be a vitamin that we can just swallow with water. Like time—we really can’t get any of it back.

So this Christmas, give yourself the gift of sleep. Early to bed—that means before 10:00pm!

Relax mommies, you’ve (yawn) got this!

Embrace the Crazy

                                                          You aren't in control today.

Dear Mommies,

A long time ago, I heard a very crass comment from a man about a woman being a “slave” to her hormones. That same man became my husband and has since learned to respect both a woman AND her hormones.

It’s a tough for men—being on the outside looking in. On the surface women may appear irrational, but what's going on underneath is orchestrated chemical chaos. No woman wants to be emotionally vulnerable. We want to be in charge of our selves. It’s difficult to explain unless you go through it. Little girls can have tantrums, however, it’s socially unacceptable for a “big” girl to lose it in the supermarket because she purchased six boxes of zip-lock baggies that were supposed to be on sale. She wouldn’t have bought them if there wasn’t a coupon, okay?!

On the other end of the spectrum, women on the edge of menopause are grieving. Sure, they’re elated they no longer need to deal with pain, bloating and skin issues. But, they’re no longer fertile. Their child bearing years are over. They are no longer young. It’s rough. And it’s scary too. Hair dyes and skin toners can’t erase the inevitability of death. Menopause is a due date—not the good kind.

No matter where you are in your mommy journey, pay attention to those days when Hallmark commercials make you sob uncontrollably. Or when you have just glue-gunned yourself into amazing holiday project oblivion. Or days when you’d eat raw meat (right off your ex-best friend’s leg). When I fight those powerful urges to create or destroy, I am extremely restless and frustrated. Unfortunately, I take it out on family and innocent passers-by. Working against nature is a recipe for disaster.

Don’t make me sit and balance my checkbook when I am fuming over child abuse injustices. Don’t force me to be creative when I can only think about sleeping. Please, don’t ask me to go shopping with you, when there’s a cute little burlap bag at home that I can whip up in a second. Okay, 2 hours (darn Pinterest).

I will write when I feel the urgings to write. Or I will whirlwind through the house, fueled by a mocha latte (or two) destroying dust bunnies in my wake. I will take off from work and select the best holiday dress for you—I promise.

I have chosen to embrace the ebb and flow of these powerful chemicals, which are themselves affected by even more powerful forces— the moon, age and The Divinity.

I hope you do too.

Relax, mommies you’ve got this!

Back to school: Feeling empty

Dear Mommies,

Feeling empty?

It’s that time of year and many of you have had to let go of your babies in one way or another. Whether you’ve just finished driving your “baby” out to the college campus of her choice or you’re dropping your angel off at pre-school, you may feel like something is missing or lost.

In her book, A View from Saturday, E.L. Konigsburg’s wise character, Mr Singh explains why a teacher is feeling a sense of loss after her students win a final academic victory. He points out that we cannot experience missing something if we’ve never held it close in the first place. He also explains to the teacher that she and her students are on a journey. 

And you Dear Mommies are also that teacher. You have been in preparation for the special days of “First’s.” First day of kindergarten. First day of High School. First Day of college. All that work, all your blood, sweat and tears end with each milestone. You celebrate them briefly and prepare for the next, until one by one all your firsts are gone. There's a victory and a sadness with each achievement.

Sure, you can take pictures of the bus, the prom, the college graduation. But the instant is impossible to relive. So, stop, inhale, seal the memory in your heart. Your child is on a journey with you and you need to appreciate every day. And teach your child to savor every victory.

Relax Dear Mommies, you’ve got this.

One Great Mommy

Dear Mommies,

I want to reflect on the life of my sister-in-law. We buried her recently—her body, not her spirit. She battled cancer for 22 years. Almost as soon as she graduated from college, she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. But it didn’t stop her.

She worked; managing an office. She married her college sweetheart. She adopted two boys. She became involved in school and her neighborhood. She vacationed with her parents nearly every summer at the family shore house. She travelled and celebrated life. Her home was beautiful and welcoming—much like herself.

She endured round after round of chemo. She lost and regrew her hair at least 5 times, that I can recall. She lost the possibility of ever becoming pregnant. Because of the medications she took, her body was plunged into menopause at age 30. She endured hot flashes and night sweats. She had issues with a poorly designed implant, infections in sinuses and teeth and an IV port that nearly caused congestive heart failure. She had tumors in her liver, bone and brain. One year, she spent more time in medical centers and hospitals than she spent at home.

She toughed it out. 

Put cancer on the back burner of her mind. She hosted Thanksgiving dinner and holiday parties with and without hair. And each time it grew back, she became more beautiful. She attended school plays, sporting events and recitals. She attended the weddings and graduations of her nieces, nephews and her one son. She was given the blessings of her delightful, albeit mischievous boys, who kept her on her toes. A husband who was able to manage the demands of his job, his sons and her care. A mother and father who were at the ready to drive her to chemo or just hold her hand from the vomiting to the blistering heartburn. A sister who always managed a sunny, but practical attitude--in life, love and food. Friends and neighbors that always dropped in to find out who needed what—a ride to lacrosse practice, a dozen cupcakes, a snow shovel, a stamp for a letter, a shoulder to cry on.

We didn’t lose her spirit. As her 9-year-old son told his aunt: “I’m sorry you are sad. But my mommy is with me.”

Summer Reads

Dear Mommies,

Thinking of you all as I plug my novel: Find Me a Woman.

You, mommies, are the inspiration for my character, Kate as she goes through the trials of loving a toddler. Like you, she’s made a lot of sacrifices and put herself last. 

But like her, you too deserve a little romance in your life.

Put your babies down for a nap, put your feet up and put my novel in your hands. (download at Amazon link: Find Me a Woman)

Relax mommies, you’ve got this!

new year, new view

By now, you've heard the numerous resolutions made by family and friends (maybe you've made a few): lose weight, get fit, improve health and make a fresh start. In general, be a better person.

Here's one for you this year: Make this the year you take a whole new view--of you.

As women and mommies, we often look at ourselves through a very narrow prism. We see our mistakes and failings more plainly than our own reflections. Sure, it's easy to see the spots, imperfections and flaws. We've been trained as mommies to have that critical eye to discern what's wrong or out of place. Don't get me wrong, striving for perfection is a good thing. Beating ourselves up because we didn't have the right diaper bag or matching socks, is not.

Expand your view of yourself this year with a gentle eye. Forgive yourself. Become your biggest cheerleader, not your worst critic. Extract what lessons you can from the mistakes and move on. Honestly no one in Target will remember the mommy who lost the sippy cup. Your embarrasment, like a dirty diaper, is uncomfotable but temporary.

Relax Mommies, you've got this.

p.s. and if you did lose that sippy cup, try this replacement: Munchkin Click-Count Sippy Cup (it comes in a 2-pak)