Parenting: Never Risk-free

Each Day of Your Life is Precious

Lately, I've shut off the news—it’s usually depressing and frustrating. And if you’re chasing or carting your little ones from place to place, who has time to sit and watch violence, erratic world markets and bratty starlet meltdowns? And who wants to? When we travel, happy music fills our vehicle, not breaking news from CNN.

I broke my fast from news to follow a tragic story about a dad and his kids who drowned off the coast of Florida while sailing along the coast. Usually I blog about happy things and silver linings. But I am taking a few moments here to remind you that life is fragile.

This father had no idea that a routine jaunt from one Florida harbor to the next would be his last. The children didn’t know. No one knew. They expected smooth sailing.

I don’t think we truly realize how much power we have over our children. Their safety is often based on what we do (or don’t do) as parents. Even the tiniest decision can have a lasting effect on a child. I read a blog (http://nicolemcaruso.com/motherhood/bernadette-dalgetty) and when speaking of her dressed-down attire of old yoga pants and messy bun, one mom said: “I realized I have the power to embarrass my children.” The little things make a difference. I'm now more conscious of how I look when I’m in public with the kids.

I’m sure there were a million things that this father could have done to save his children. But like so many parents, myself included, he just assumed things would go without incident. I’m equally sure he will be posthumously criticized for his lack of parenting. In his defense: Parents are only human and can't foresee all dangers. Who knows when a truck will hit your minivan, a virus blaze through your family, a tornado tear up your neighborhood, floods, fires or any manner of disaster? Devastation doesn’t wait for parents to be fully prepared.

All parents should love and respect their roles as mommies and daddies—you are so critical to a child's life. Your safety, health and happiness are directly related to theirs. By the same token, you want your child to take risks, leave the nest and not be afraid of their own shadow. To be cautious and be encouraging is delicate balance for parents. But you can do it.

Hug your babies every day. Kiss them and tell them they are so precious, whether it be calm seas or stormy weather.

Everyday Joys

Every little kiss...

Dear Mommies,

I’ve challenged my siblings to find a joy every day. And write it down. (I challenged myself, too) They gave up by day two. “Seriously, you want us to find joy? Have you seen the news?”

I did. And they’re right. It’s almost impossible to find joy when all you see is what’s wrong with the world. The news is 24/7 of death, disease, earthquakes, fires, scandals, and heartache.

I have a need to drown my sorrows. A very clever marketer once told me: "I sell products by doing three things: I tell you that you have a problem. I tell you only my product/service/plan can solve it. And I tell you that you need to get it, now. Through guilt, sorrow and/or fear I can manipulate you, the customer, with this sales strategy."

He’s right, because today I saw a commercial for Peanut M&M’s and I decided I needed them. My problem was disappointment, my solution -- chocolate.

Today was a day of disappointments. Every little thing I wanted (even sunshine) was taken away. The beautiful sunrise was overwhelmed in clouds and rain. At work, I was told I’m wasting my time on project xyz (which I loved). I was denied a generous discount on the running shoes of my dreams (which I loved) and I was uninvited to a particular event (which I would have loved).

Peanut M&M’s made me feel better instantly, but I was still without joy. Happiness seems even further away.

The challenge of finding joy is doubly tough on mommies. On top of all our disappointments, we tend to absorb the disappointments of our munchkins. When they are devastated, we are too. So how do you find joys when the world seems to be hell-bent on taking them from you?

Take a breath, take a step back & take it all in. And then give. Share your Peanut M&M’s. 

And the day got better. I got to see the kiddies after school, I got to talk about writing and what I love about it. I did give (and get) hugs and kisses.

If I keep looking long enough, I will find more joy tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

Relax Mommies, you've got this.

Toddlers as Teachers

Oh, those little stinkers!

We've always had those moments when we've been embarrassed (read: humiliated) by someone under the age of 5. And no one knows how to do it better than someone you love.

Those sweet little munchkins can really push our buttons. But these are teachable moments, for us and them.

Toddlers cannot be rushed. They often need to pick up every single pine cone, shell and/or bug on the ground, beach or floor. You should have been home 15 minutes ago, but you're still on your walk. Trying to hurry the process, you'll often receive very loud squawks of: "No! I don't want to go home!"

Toddlers are super sensitive to pain (when it suits them). Ever try to pluck a child out of harm's way or keep them on the right path and hear: "Ouch you're hurting me!"? You look around and of course everyone has heard it.

Toddlers love you in secret. Ever gotten rebuffed when attempting a public display of affection? "Ew, don't kiss me mommy your breath smells funny!" But when you're home, they won't let go of your leg, arm, or neck.

For these moments, a sigh, roll of the eyes and calm quiet re-direction can diffuse the rising frustration.
Yes, rushing a toddler is like trying to push a cloud--so enjoy the moments of pine cone collection, you will miss those days. The psuedo-pain vocalization is a well-timed trick to see how you respond. One therapist admitted that she's more worried about the kids who never say anything about their parents hurting them. They often hide their true bruises.

Lastly, treasure those secret embraces and moments of private affection. They're only for you and they are the little gifts that you will be blessed with for only a short while.


Relax, mommies, You've got this.

The Value of Presence

The BBC's Crimson Field

Dear Mommies,

After Downton Abbey, I didn’t think anything would replace my need for engrossing, well-written mini-series. 

Then I discovered The Crimson Field. Released in 2014, the drama centers around nurses, doctors and Royal Medical Army staff at a hospital camp (think MASH + post-Victorian England) during World War I in northern France. Just the first episode was gripping and horrifying, flecked with oddly humorous moments.

But while most reviewers discussed the BBC’s celebration of the anniversary of WWI or the pitfalls of the script and story threads or the history (or lack of) or the acting (or lack of), all I could think of was nurses.

Years ago, I worked in a trauma unit at a hospital. This series brought me back to those days.  When I saw the best and worst of human behavior. I saw people in agony, dying, crushed—literally and figuratively.

It doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have or the color of your skin— everyone feels pain. Everyone suffers. And no matter who you are or where you come from, you can help by just ... caring.

Some other things I recalled:

I learned the difference between a good  nurse and a nurse who simply worked for a pension. And a charge nurse has to be everything to everyone, all at once.

I learned the value of listening and offering sympathy. And just because you have a medical degree, doesn't mean you will listen or offer sympathy.

I learned how precious the first few breaths of life are and how precious the last few breaths are. We should not be born or die alone.

I learned the importance of a well-made bed. It was a safety--not aesthetic--issue in the hospital.

Most of all, I learned the value of presence. Being beside someone during a difficult time is something that can never be quantified. And that's what I remembered the nurses and the nursing aides did. There were times they did nothing more than stand beside a person's bed or touched their hands -- and that was enough.

You don't need to be super mom, just be there.

Relax mommies, you've got this.

Self-care is not selfish

                                            Fresh air and sunshine makes a mommy happy

                                           

Dear Mommies,

A tweet inspired this post.

“Self-care is not selfish.”

It’s true, but the difficulty all mommies face, is actually doing true self-care. We take care of everyone, our own needs usually come last. We are the most run down, most stressed-out member of the family. Sure, you may have taken your little guy in for his third ear infection of the year, but I’m willing to bet you’re not feeling so good yourself.

Self-care doesn’t mean that you grab the girls and head for the spa for a relaxing weekend of pampers—although that sounds wonderful! It’s not buying a new pair of shoes, an expensive bottle of wine or going platinum blond. Those are treats—which you deserve—but not the regular care that you need and must have!

Self-care is going to bed early once a week to grab an extra hour of sleep. Self-care is a daily multi-vitamin for women. Self-care is a water bottle in the car at all times, a 10-minute power walk, decent lip balm or moisturizer and mindful breathing. Self-care is saying no to that volunteer request, because you’re already doing three things on the same day. And saying no to the donuts that are offered as breakfast—where are the strawberries?

In essence, self-care is the mind-body-soul balance that mommies need to take care of themselves to take care of others. Sounds simple, but it’s tough to do. Although I promise you, one little change (like an extra hour of sleep) will make a big difference.

Relax Mommies, you’ve got this.

Thanksgiving: The forgotten holiday

Don't forget Thanksgiving

                                            Over the river and throught the woods...


Dear Mommies,

As the leaves finally change and collect in piles on the ground, we enter into the final months of the year. But in the post Halloween rush, retailers plunge us head-long into Christmas. Thanksgiving is only a speed bump to many stores. Sadly, many are open on the holiday, luring shoppers with deals and promises of amazing sales.

Thanksgiving is one of the most important holidays that we have. For many reasons.
      Practically speaking, we see many family members we haven't seen in years.
      We get to show off our culinary skills--and surprise a few people with darn good cooking.
      Our munchkins finally learn how to behave at a formal dinner.
      We slow down, take a day off and gather around the table.
      We express our gratitude for food, family and all the blessings we've received.
   
Has anyone ever been thankful for you, a mommy?

It's too bad there isn't more time between November 26 and December 25. We often need much more time to be thankful for everything. Including moms.

Relax, mommies. You've got this!