The Value of Presence

The BBC's Crimson Field

Dear Mommies,

After Downton Abbey, I didn’t think anything would replace my need for engrossing, well-written mini-series. 

Then I discovered The Crimson Field. Released in 2014, the drama centers around nurses, doctors and Royal Medical Army staff at a hospital camp (think MASH + post-Victorian England) during World War I in northern France. Just the first episode was gripping and horrifying, flecked with oddly humorous moments.

But while most reviewers discussed the BBC’s celebration of the anniversary of WWI or the pitfalls of the script and story threads or the history (or lack of) or the acting (or lack of), all I could think of was nurses.

Years ago, I worked in a trauma unit at a hospital. This series brought me back to those days.  When I saw the best and worst of human behavior. I saw people in agony, dying, crushed—literally and figuratively.

It doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have or the color of your skin— everyone feels pain. Everyone suffers. And no matter who you are or where you come from, you can help by just ... caring.

Some other things I recalled:

I learned the difference between a good  nurse and a nurse who simply worked for a pension. And a charge nurse has to be everything to everyone, all at once.

I learned the value of listening and offering sympathy. And just because you have a medical degree, doesn't mean you will listen or offer sympathy.

I learned how precious the first few breaths of life are and how precious the last few breaths are. We should not be born or die alone.

I learned the importance of a well-made bed. It was a safety--not aesthetic--issue in the hospital.

Most of all, I learned the value of presence. Being beside someone during a difficult time is something that can never be quantified. And that's what I remembered the nurses and the nursing aides did. There were times they did nothing more than stand beside a person's bed or touched their hands -- and that was enough.

You don't need to be super mom, just be there.

Relax mommies, you've got this.

No bad thing lasts forever

                                                            Feeling alone?

                                                               

Dear Mommies,

Are you having a tough time? Feeling really alone? Are you experiencing a serious life crisis?

Maybe it’s a combination of many issues--money is super tight, the kids are really sick and you’re facing a health crisis. Overwhelmed, life may seem bleak for you now.

I promise you, no bad thing lasts forever.

Okay, so you might dismiss that out-of-hand. Sure cancer doesn’t last forever, you die. Divorce doesn’t get a do-over, you can’t un-split. Life with an autistic child is filled with many scary moments.

As women, we have a tendency to want to fix things--make things better. When they don’t get better, we beat ourselves up, think that we have failed.

Believe me when I tell you:

·         It’s not your fault that your best friend (or you) developed breast cancer.

·         If your spouse cheated on you, there was no gun to their head to make that choice.

·         You did not cause your child’s autism.

·         The pain will not last forever.

Part of our “job” as Mommies is to help our little guys and gals move forward, get better, grow up. But growing up doesn’t end when they graduate from high school. Adults have more growing up to do too. We need to let go—of pain, fear, anger and move forward. Life’s trials, as awful as they are, help us progress towards maturity and peace.

Do you want to be happy and enjoy your life? Then choose what you want to fight for. Your child is worth fighting for, your friend is worth fighting for. And you are definitely worth fighting for.

Relax Mommies, you’ve got this.

Self-care is not selfish

                                            Fresh air and sunshine makes a mommy happy

                                           

Dear Mommies,

A tweet inspired this post.

“Self-care is not selfish.”

It’s true, but the difficulty all mommies face, is actually doing true self-care. We take care of everyone, our own needs usually come last. We are the most run down, most stressed-out member of the family. Sure, you may have taken your little guy in for his third ear infection of the year, but I’m willing to bet you’re not feeling so good yourself.

Self-care doesn’t mean that you grab the girls and head for the spa for a relaxing weekend of pampers—although that sounds wonderful! It’s not buying a new pair of shoes, an expensive bottle of wine or going platinum blond. Those are treats—which you deserve—but not the regular care that you need and must have!

Self-care is going to bed early once a week to grab an extra hour of sleep. Self-care is a daily multi-vitamin for women. Self-care is a water bottle in the car at all times, a 10-minute power walk, decent lip balm or moisturizer and mindful breathing. Self-care is saying no to that volunteer request, because you’re already doing three things on the same day. And saying no to the donuts that are offered as breakfast—where are the strawberries?

In essence, self-care is the mind-body-soul balance that mommies need to take care of themselves to take care of others. Sounds simple, but it’s tough to do. Although I promise you, one little change (like an extra hour of sleep) will make a big difference.

Relax Mommies, you’ve got this.

Less is Best

Dear Mommies,

So how did the first month of this year treat you?

Were you able to make it through the winter weather (or for some parts of the country, weird winter weather)?

And how are your closets? 

Ahead of the spring cleaning and yard sale season, here are 10 steps that can help you thin out your closet and the kids' closets. Less clutter, can mean a happier home. Hint: Do this during nap time, toddlers watching adult closet clean may not end well (see: Find Me a Woman (Assent, 2014), pp156-57).

1.    Take everything out of your closet (you might find that missing Christmas present). Everything out. Dump on the bed or floor.

2.    Limit yourself to four piles: Donate, Keep, Clean & Store, Toss (in the trash).

3.    Keeping clothing for sentimental reasons equals cluttered closet. Be brutal—unless it’s something you’ll wear in the next 3 months, donate it.

4.    Speaking of 3 months—if you aren’t going to wear the item for next season—store it or donate it. Sweaters should be stored with cedar balls or sachets to keep bugs away.

5.    Yeah, keep your “fat” jeans, but not the skinny jeans. A woman’s weight fluctuates. Having a pair of “I’ll-wear-them-after-the-diet” skinny jeans may make you bitter and frustrated when they don’t fit. Let them go!

6.    Don’t be squeamish about tossing clothes in the trash. Goodwill, Thred up and other used clothing vendors, will toss immediately (or not even accept) any item not in good condition.

7.   Keep the basics. Think CJSSD — coat, jeans, skirt, shirt, dress.

8.    Shoes, belts and purses? Put them in a separate spot. Don’t deal with them until after you’ve made your decisions about what to keep and toss. If anything is missing, broken or frayed—toss it. Unless you have a reliable shoe repair store AND are worth it.

9.    Once you put your clothes in your piles—stick with it. If you change your mind once or twice, that’s okay. If you’re continuously moving items from pile to pile to pile, you need to be tougher.

10.  Do it by yourself. It’s okay to have a clothes shopping buddy, but not a closet buddy. It’s your body, your closet and your time. Things slow down if there’s more than one opinion that’s being aired about an ugly sweater.

The point about combing through your wardrobe in such a drastic fashion, is twofold. First you de-clutter, second, you refresh your closet.

Relax, Mommies, you’ve got this.

First, dream your dreams . . .

 Dream a little dream.

Dear Mommies,

So much to look forward to this year. I’m sure you're looking forward to your children’s milestones, birthdays, first words, first steps, school step up days and lots of other “Firsts.”

But what about you? I’m not talking about resolutions, which are in Mary Poppins words, “pie crust promises: easily made, easily broken.” The problem with resolutions is that they tend to focus on the negative—things we want to fix in our lives (e.g., lose weight). Or they are too ambiguous (e.g., I will be kinder to my mother-in-law).

I’m talking about your dreams.

Will this be the year you take up a cooking class, learn to speak French, travel to Seattle, knit an infinity scarf, decorate your bedroom--bottom to top, buy a big ticket item (not replacing something that’s broken), or start your own blog?

Dreams are different from resolutions or goals because dreams are held in our heart. They touch on our deepest desires. Fulfilling your dreams—big and small—requires planning and work. And sometimes saving your pennies.

Making your dreams is as hard as being a mommy. Here’s why:

1.    Nothing in a mommy’s life remains still for very long. Time is an friend and a foe. You want your babies to stay little and sweet. But gosh, won’t it be great when they’re out of diapers? Enjoy the journey to your dream. You can start a dream journal.

2.    In the process of making your dreams come true, you see them in the light of day. The flaws, the faults, the warts. You do your best to correct them. But sometimes the dream turns downright ugly. Give it a time out and then come back to it. You’ll both benefit from a breather. And you can always modify a dream.

3.    There are doubts and side effects. Once you begin to fulfil a dream, it’s hard to tell where it will lead and what the impact will be on your life. This is a little scary. But your litmus test question should be: Will my dream make me a better person? If yes, go for it. Even if it’s something as intangible as just being a happier person because you travelled to your dream destination.

No matter what, dreams are worth having and following. You should also teach your children to have some dreams. A child who dreams is on the path to a brilliant imagination.

Relax, Mommies, you’ve got this.

You Never Know . . . Hug More This Christmas.

Dear Mommies,

Last week a woman passed away at my workplace.

They found her in the ladies’ room. Although her co-workers called EMT immediately, it was too late.

She was dead about 20 minutes after getting in the office door. She wasn’t old or sickly.

I’ll admit, it feels kind of odd to be in the same ladies room stall as she was in her final moments. To know that her last breaths on earth were taken in her place of work. 

I don't think anyone wants to die where they work—unless it’s your business. Even then, we want to be surrounded by those who love us and by those who want to help us die peacefully.

I hate to be morbid, this blog is about encouraging you in your mommyhood journey. But I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens this holiday season—life is too short to stress or feel negative or overwhelmed.

So, promise yourself you’ll shop less and hug more. You’ll bake less and smile more. You’ll tell someone that you love them even when they aren’t acting very lovable. 

Please know in your heart of hearts, your babies would rather you around for them than hand-crafted gifts, cookies or toys.

Relax Mommies, you've got this!

Peace & Quiet

Dear Mommies,

The one thing you need this Christmas, you won’t get.

Sleep.

Oh, I know you’ll try, but I have a feeling that like me, you’ll have a ton of last minute things to do and gifts to wrap and cookies to box, and so on…And sleep will be put on the back burner. You’ll promise yourself that you’ll catch up on sleep after the holidays. You promise yourself lots of naps on the snowy days to come. And you promise you’ll finally feel refreshed when you wake up.

Right.

The problem with that plan is that the holidays merge into the new year. Like a race car. And the craziness doesn’t end. You’ll still have the day to day busy-ness of kids and house and heaven help us, the pets.

My advice (and I promise to take it myself), is to go to bed early. As much as you can. Wake up early if you still have lots to do. But it’s better to go to bed early, than to wake up late. You can’t catch up on sleep by sleeping later in the morning. And it’s impossible to do with toddlers. Because of our bodies’ sleep-wake cycles and hormones we can’t get any of those hours back. The late night feedings, colic and/or fevers that keep our babies restless, take away any sort of rest we may try to bank in our sleep savings account. Add in stress, and it’s an instant recipe for sleep deprivation.

The reason I’m pushing for sleep is that it the lack of it ruins your day, makes you irritable, foggy and forgetful. It should be a vitamin that we can just swallow with water. Like time—we really can’t get any of it back.

So this Christmas, give yourself the gift of sleep. Early to bed—that means before 10:00pm!

Relax mommies, you’ve (yawn) got this!